Plateaus

{ November 7, 2009 @ 3:32 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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My participation in an online forum that centers around the Law of Attraction continues to support me in my journey as I weave the thread of expansion via Busting Loose into all that I think, say and do. In a group forum based on the thinking of Abraham-Hicks, someone asked this question:

Is there a limit to how strong someone can develop a certain desire or vibration? And if there isn’t one, why is it that everyone I meet and see seems to plateau at some point during their life? If the idea is that the LOA increases your desire for something the more time you spend with it, why is it that people always seem to reach some limit in terms of how hard they’re willing to work for something? And why do people lose their passion for certain things?

Here’s my reply:

This is one aspect of the LOA — Abe in particular — that I have wondered about. I am without doubt that they would have an answer for this. I’m moving in a different direction so it really isn’t an issue from my own perspective, anyway. And really, what I say is probably not a very significant departure from Abe’s perspective.

I think that underlying or within any desire we have for something tangible that we can see, taste, or touch, etc., is a desire to live in the moment — to be truly happy with what we have — to be content and not have to work so hard for what we desire. It’s not about struggling to raise a vibration — for me trying to raise it, in some ways, works the opposite way.

The more content I am, the less I want the things I thought I wanted in the past.

So to me, that says that I simply want to experience joy and love in the present moment, and let the future, and my needs, wants and desires, take care of themselves.

I’ve had, recently, a more powerful feeling of the moment-by-moment trust that crowds out worry. I’m not so much in the position of trying to avoid or fend off potential discomforts, because I believe that every single thing that comes my way is perfect, discomfort or no. And I am no longer living in the constant effort to keep my vibration where I want it in order to get anything, because I already believe I’m guiding myself (on a consciousness level) to the perfect places, into the perfect situations, and into having the perfect feelings I need to expand.

If I lose my passion for something, it’s because it’s time to move on to something else. If that passion re-ignites, then it’s time to play with it again for a while. “Go with the flow.”

We’re inundated with messages from birth that if we decide something, it is forever. We marry, and it’s to be forever. We make a career choice, and it’s to be forever. We set our society up so that it appears to be difficult to be a person who likes variety in terms of career, relationships, and many other games in our journey. We make a “negative” out of change — we see it as financial or personal hardship. But some of us have a “talent” for liking variety, and discover that it’s not a hardship at all — it makes the journey a lot of fun. It’s not for everyone — we don’t all design our lives the same way.

Plateaus are just as desirable as the energized moments of desire, passion and the illusion of forward movement. They are likewise to be embraced. I notice for myself that as I write, I see that I have created a judgment about the plateau as “bad.” This is a note to myself, to remind myself that the plateau, with its perhaps dull, or lackadaisical feeling, is actually just as valid and good as the roller coaster.

We no doubt design this plateau in order for us to take a chill pill and allow what we desire to come, or allow a new and improved desire to take its place. And perhaps that new and improved desire and focus is to simply live our lives in a constant state of relaxation and ease.

Further comments as I re-read this having posted it in this blog:

The idea of a “new and improved” desire is actually not quite accurate — there is no such thing as “new and improved” in Reality — just in the illusion! Nevertheless, I like it simply because it is a funny poke at a part of the illusion I’ve designed — that there could actually be something better than what I have right now. All a perfect part of the phase one game of discontent with What Is.

Enjoy your Now — because that’s What Is and Who You Are!

Delusions of Grandeur

{ October 19, 2009 @ 3:45 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I’m enjoying throwing into this blog the rants I add to my contributions in my participation in a social network I’ve already mentioned.

A friend there asked this question, based on a quote from Arnold Patent’s book, The Journey:

“We live our lives in accordance with an agreement we make before we come here.”

The problem I have with this notion is that if “the Universal-Mind”, our higher self, god, or whatever… has an agreement before we come here, AND this same consciousness wants to experience “things”… wouldn’t “the source” of the agreement already know of the experience, and therefore make it obsolete for us to experience it?

So, there is no randomness? There is no decisions? There is no creativity? It is all known at some level before we get here, what it is we are doing here?

Here’s my reply (and you are getting the picture of how lengthy my answers can be…):

You start with the original premise. You are a being who is perfect, and knows, and is wise, and joyful and playful.

For the sake of a game and for the challenge of it, you create a game in which you convince yourself that you are NOT perfect, powerful, wise, joyful, and playful. You want to see how well you can do it.

So with all the creativity you can muster (so yes, there is creativity), you do this. You create an imaginary movie-holographic world in which you actually FORGET and GO TO SLEEP (in the movie world) and do not know who you are, and you find all sorts of amazing and crazy ways to convince yourself you’re a dolt, you’re worthless, you’re stupid, you’re confused, you’re angry, you’re crazy…

and you create the illusion that you are free to choose IN THE HOLOGRAM. And if you want to fool yourself and have fun playing the game, why would you let yourself know any of The Truth, except for the purpose of putting hints of The Truth in and amongst the other “confusion?”

Why would you give yourself the experience and feeling of having no choice? That’s a part of the game — the feeling that we (IN THE HOLOGRAM) are choosing and have power over this existence. I’m saying and emphasizing “the hologram” because in our expanded self,

we are creative, we do decide, we live in the moment, and it is joy!

We experience power to create right here, because it’s the game we play. And there’s not a single thing wrong with it. In fact, if it feels better for you to believe that you have power in this hologram, believe it! I have, and it didn’t hurt me a bit. It really didn’t. I’m not worried for you at all. It doesn’t really matter that much, because even if you don’t have “power” in the hologram, but you still believe you do, it’s perfect, and it’s the way it’s supposed to be, you see.

I understand your feelings/viewpoint in some respects — know that I am not thinking you’re nuts or whatever…

And right now, randomness is how things feel sometimes — but the interesting thing is, I’m a lot easier with living in the moment because…in my expanded self, who is sort of like pulling the blinds up now and then to let me see through them — I am in control, and the best part is I am in control in a very beautiful and perfect way. There is nothing to fear.

Yes, the “source” of the agreement knows…and yet the beauty is that we have created the experience

in the hologram — in our human experience

of not knowing. What fun would the game be if we knew? Oh, we would still be joyful, because that is purely and simply who we are.

In that radio interview I posted, Robert likens it to learning how to play sports (it was gymnastics, I think). If all it took were one or two lessons and people had the skill right then and there, no one would do it. What would be the purpose? Sure, we think it would be nice to be able to just sit down and do it, but a good share of the joy of it is the experience of learning, practicing, and improving as we go. It’s not impossible to just have the skill ASAP in this hologram because we (on the “source”/expanded level) can create anything we want. I think of those child prodigies who have an extraordinary talent — an ability to do things far beyond the years that they’ve lived on earth – things that take others years and years to accomplish through a lot of blood, sweat and tears. But in this experience — this human experience — we are not able to know what that is. The fun of the game is trust, and the amazing part is that even when things appear to go “wrong,” our expanded selves are still in charge, creating it.

I know — it gets a bit confusing…and for me, understanding it all isn’t necessary, because experience is the proof in the pudding, so to speak. Using the tools for expansion — “the Process” — or the words in chapter whatever (I don’t remember which) is pretty much all that is necessary. It was really good to hear Robert in that interview because he answered several of the questions I’d been having (without fully being aware of what the questions were).

What I liked in there is when someone asked him if he’d come up with anything new since he started sharing the busting loose materials and training, and he said no. He had new things to perhaps enhance the tools, but anything new wasn’t necessary — the tools/the process is all that’s needed. How he explained it was helpful to me, because it’s sorta like, just when I get used to something that works quite well, someone comes along and changes it and offers the new, better, bigger, and more improved version, while I’m still trying to get used to or better practiced at the old one.

It was reassuring to me.

Anyway, your experience of having choices is legitimate. It’s always you who is making the choices, it’s always you who is creating it anyway…the thing to realize is that your expanded self isn’t against you, it is you, it’s just you with full love and understanding who is lovingly popping your experiences into the hologram, with perfect wisdom as to what you need and what you have chosen before you came…and that you really are OK and that you are (believe it or not) having a lot of fun doing it.

So the thing to grasp for me, as I explain it, is that though I, in my expanded mind, know what’s going on, I, in the illusion here in my human experience, don’t, and that it is perfectly designed. The adventure is making the decisions (or having the appearance of doing so)…and playing the game, and if I choose (which is also an illusion!!!), I can choose to “wake up” by using the tools. I think that this happens if it makes sense to me and is something I really want to do…

and for me, this is what I want to do.

P.S. — The reality is that we DO have a choice — in our expanded selves, and the choice we have is the game we have chosen to play and to create…so ultimately we DO have the choice — just not in the illusion we’re playing in.

I also added this reply to my own post:

I want to add that sometimes the challenge for us is to really own that we are the Power and Presence of God. In a way, you could say, “I am God.” Not in the psychotic, delusionary way we have created it to be in the hologram in which someone puts us on Thorazine so that we go shuffling up and down the halls of the asylum, LOL.

But busting loose is about really owning that I am the power and presence of God/Universe/Source and I am creating this and I am really equal to God.

In a way, Jesus brought that message but a lot of BS and claptrap was added to it (to further reinforce the illusion). We have such a hard time believing this or grasping it not because we are stupid, but because we are playing the game so well!

You can’t escape the wonder of it! No matter how weird it all seems, no matter what a mess this seems, and how much you can argue or fight, you are still never, ever wrong.

All the confusion is what you and I created as part of the game.

The game with religion (Christianity) is that Jesus portrayed this Truth — that he was God — but people took it to believe (and maybe he even believed) that only HE was God, but the rest of us…

and then they developed some way for us to get in touch with God, but we had to stand on our heads and do a million jumping jacks or believe just right in order for us to be able to do that, and then we argued about what was right, and we used it to make ourselves feel even crappier, amidst the stuff that made us feel good.

And it was, and is, perfect.

And God created the heavens and the earth, and he declared it good.

Imagine, owning that I am power, presence, love. I know sometimes that seems totally a zillion miles off, but that’s only because I created it to feel that way, and it’s a sign that I have played the game well, and it’s an indication of how powerful I am that I could really convince myself I’m a zillion miles off. We’re not supposed to know that we are the Power and Presence of God. It would be like playing Monopoly and being able to know when our token lands on Boardwalk, and being able to know if or when, or be in control of if or when someone lands on it after we’ve filled it with hotels. What kind of fun would that be? Game over. Might as well not pull the board out at all.

Now it’s time to rest.

So now, in phase 2, I am reclaiming and getting in touch with that power and the experience of it. That’s what it’s about. If I’m done with it, I’m outta here — on to “infinite land.” And I don’t want to be done with it yet.

You really are the Power and Presence of God — you are just such a good player that you have convinced yourself you’re not.

Sweating It All

{ October 17, 2009 @ 3:15 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Here’s text of another post I placed in Powerful Intentions regarding an incident in the desert near Sedona, Arizona. If you’re not aware of it, read an article  here:

http://verdenews.com/main.asp?SectionID=1&SubSectionID=1&ArticleID=33072

I have been following the thread in the main forum on this subject, so if you’re unaware of what this is, go there — at the time of this post, it’s still on the “front” page.

Oh, heck — here’s the link:

http://www.powerfulintentions.org/forum/topics/sedona-sweat-lodge-fatalities

I was reading the posts and the articles referred to and written there and the responses, and then when I headed for bed, I couldn’t sleep right away. It was a mix of that and other things swirling around in my mind.

I love the time before sleep because I process a lot of what goes on in my day.

I’ve picked up a “process” from another resource that I want to share with you — perhaps this one will have meaning — it’s in the “Money” forum as well.

When I experience discomfort (“negative” emotion), I “dive” into, and really feel the energy of the discomfort, and as it reaches a peak — as I feel it as intensely as I can, I affirm, in these words or words like it, the following:

I am the Power and Presence of God, creating this.

It is not real — it’s completely made up.

It’s joy by another name.

I reclaim my power from it now.

I can feel the power of it coming into my experience — surging — and I feel myself expanding more and more into who I really am in my human experience — I feel myself expressing more and more of who I really am in my human experience.

I am the Power and Presence of God.

Then I appreciate how amazing I had to be to create this experience and how amazing I was to pull this off — to convince myself it was real — that is, anything but love — and how beautifully it has served me in Phase 1 (and I add that it also has served me in Phase 2).

This does not make light of the situation — after all, I am feeling discomfort about it:

About the horror of such a thing
About the reports that one article tells in which unnamed participants describe what happened
About how James Ray appeared to have captivated the minds of the people
About how the woman who died believed that she was to “push through” it because Ray said so
About the expenses
About the hiding of past problems
About the point of view of the Native American man
About the whole concept of “cult”

For me, it was a feeling of haunting in the midst of imagining how it all went down

and (just now) wondering if I would have fallen into the same trap or followed believing I was to reach some kind of spiritual state beyond where I am now

wondering if other gurus are leading other followers blindly to their demise

wondering if Arnold Patent and/or Robert Scheinfeld could equally be leading me into something dangerous…

etc.

And then, I go back to:

I created this. No, I did not cause this to happen. This is not about badness or something to push away from myself.

As I wrote in my reflection yesterday in one of the threads (chapter four or five I think), this is all for me, I created it in order for me to discover the beliefs and energy I have that are hiding places for my power.

I have this fear of sounding equally bizarre, equally weird — just as much ignoring the suffering of others as it could appear that Ray did.

But in my mind it’s different, based on the whole of this perspective that makes so much sense to me and has really brought an amazing ray of light (no pun intended with the word “ray”) into my life; a real way to address the things that have been so confusing and troubling for me for so long.

Those who followed (and follow) Ray’s views might say the same thing.

It’s always helpful for me to see that I’m the one who decides — and I’m the one who can question and challenge anything I choose. I’ve discovered that even in the best of pursuits there are always those who get rigid about a method or routine or a belief within the structure that they try to press on others.

At the same time, we all hold convictions that make sense to us, no matter what “others” might say or think, and it’s each of us that decide whether those beliefs, teachings and convictions are worth pursuing and to what degree.

I’ve had to really ask myself — am I equally swayed? Am I judging the whole scene (yes)? I am judging it as bad, and thus I am questioning my own motives and my own beliefs…and those whose teachings or insights (or whatever word/s you want to use) I am valuing at this time in my life.

The bottom line for me is that when I consider that I created this whole scenario, I did so with a purpose.

It’s not real — it’s an illusion and I made it up. It’s a part of my total immersion movie, in which every scene is expertly crafted as a part of the whole…everyone agrees to play the part. Everyone. James Ray. The people who died. The reporters who tell the story. The commentators and bloggers. The Native Americans. Sweat lodges. Sedona. The whole New Age world. All, all, all of it.

Some might say this is detachment (in a bad sense). Maybe, maybe not.

But it’s more than just that I say, “It’s an illusion” and then walk away. Because I think about the possibility that one of my loved ones could have been in that tent. Then, the discomfort would be far greater. My ability to process would be highly challenged.

And the intensity would be there — and the amazing thing is that it would be purposeful and intentional. This discomfort that I have about this scenario is purposeful and holds beauty and is not wrong. I can get utterly, deeply pissed off at this whole thing — this whole money-grab (because that is my reaction to some of this stuff), this whole clamor for spiritual understanding that leads us to do really weird things that I feel are not necessary, etc., etc.

But then it goes back to, “I created it all!”

So I am pissed off at myself. But then, I realize, yes, but I created this so that I could BE pissed off, haunted, anxious, confused, and feel the energy of it, and in so doing, in time, reclaim my power.

If such a thing hit really close to home (and in some way it does because there are no doubt James Ray admirers on this site and among the people I know here), I know that I would process it — in the full gamut of all my emotions — just as I am doing now. It might not be as easy — I would not necessarily be able to launch into my day enjoying my son, my family and friends, and cleaning houses and throwing silly smileys at y’all and all the other things I do throughout my day — without processing, processing, grieving, questioning, agonizing…

I know this.

But that is the thing. Knowing all this makes a huge difference. Things make sense, even when they don’t make sense.

I read the chapter in which Patent describes his feelings when the Twin Towers were hit by the hijacked planes. That would be an amazing experience…to see the bigger picture beyond my immersion in this illusion and its “reality” that I’ve created.

And it’s fun to opine and analyze and protest and figure out and conclude my superiority over others and the judge them and myself and get all wrapped up in figuring out who’s right or who’s wrong…

which has fun in itself, and isn’t wrong, either…

which is just…still amazing. Still very amazing.

To boil it all back down to “I created it and it is all about love.”

And it is all perfect right in this very red-hot moment — no matter what standard I have set for what it “should” be.

It’s getting easier to live in this moment and to know that it’s perfect as it is.

Or let’s say it’s pretty easy right now — there will probably be moments that I want to change…but they will be perfect, too.

Perfection

{ October 16, 2009 @ 3:41 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I wrote this in a group in which I participate in the vast world of internet connection (called “Powerful Intentions”):

Just more of the same “talking to myself” about things, reflecting on some things I’m posting and reading there. Wes is a friend in the forum whom I love to tease.

One of the hardest things I find to accept — or have found — as I’ve wandered the hallways of P.I. is that of realizing I create this, and that what I see is a mirror.

What was the hardest for me was that I didn’t like what I saw, and what I saw was repulsive to me, and I found it hard to believe that somehow, that was a part of ME.

But coming from this perspective, realizing that the feelings of repulsion to it are HIDING PLACES for my power, and are actually gifts, really changes things.

The GAME is to convince myself that I’m not who I really am.
So the game goes like this:
I create stuff I don’t like. I create events and people in my life to play roles, like my mom, who appeared to disapprove of a lot of the things I did and the person I was. I created the interpretation of her behavior to result in my disapproval of myself in the same way.

So in that really amazing creation, I created that I didn’t like the thoughts and feelings I was having. I created all these thoughts and feelings to MAKE me dislike myself.

I really did well — I really cranked ‘er up in terms of the illusion and the game. I played hard — really, really hard.

I layered it upon layers.

I went to counseling, which was supposed to help, but I used what the counselors and others said against myself. I interpreted what they said as judgment, and I found that what they said was really hard to do or to believe, so I further judged and disapproved of myself because I couldn’t believe or feel it in my heart.

I created all kinds of explorations — religion, spirituality, psychology, therapy — myriad ways of approaching my “pain.” Even the Law of Attraction fed into this. Not because any of this is inherently wrong, but I created it to NOT WORK, in order to play the game even better! Wow! How amazing.

And so, I created that people would tell me what I saw was a mirror of my beliefs. Guess what that did? I hated that. Because I hated the feelings, I hated that I was creating these mirrors, I hated that I couldn’t seem to change what I saw, I created that I couldn’t seem to change what I felt about what I saw, I created that I couldn’t seem to change myself to feel or believe differently so that I could see changes in what was reflected back to me, I created people to tell me what I was doing wrong and what I was doing right, I created people to get on my nerves and piss me off and then I created judgment of myself and sometimes apparent judgment by others to affirm how flawed I was, I created being unable to raise my vibration, I created hearing people say, “Just be happy” and I created feeling like crap because I couldn’t do that…I created the emotional scale ala Abe not making sense or working for me. And I also created a lot of wonderful aspects of all of this to actually work and help for me, so that there would be the element of “this works, but why doesn’t it work all the freakin’ time?” so that I felt bad about why I couldn’t “make it work” every time, and I created searching for formula after formula…

you get the song and dance.

And then I created bumping into this stuff.

And what I created then was realizing that all of this was perfectly designed by me, for me, and that it is all perfection and that there is no doing it wrong, even though I still live in the illusion that I can do this wrong.

And then I created Wes, and that’s when the whole thing fell apart.

JUST KIDDING!

So, now I can accept that these things are mirrors. They are not mirrors saying that this “bad” stuff is in me or in others or in those who come into my orbit –

they are mirrors that become gifts to show me where my power is hidden.

they are evidence of how well I’ve played the game, because they feel like crap, and I designed them that way.

Now, the crap becomes the portal through which I reclaim that power and I find what I was looking for…over time.

But first I accept all the “crap,” lock, stock and barrel…face straight into it, and I do not need to judge it as bad anymore.

Crap is a creation. Crap is an illusion.

Even the idea that illusion is some fluffy, airy-fairy stuff that makes me weird, sitting in some la-la land, repelling everyone around me (ha), or keeping me alone, is an illusion and is also a creation, a part of how I keep my power hidden.

Every single solitary iota of discomfort is that.

And that is all this is about.

That is all.

I get to choose when to face into the “crap” or when to get pissed and ruminate and stay that way for days or weeks or months or years…all I am choosing is to not “open the power” to it — that’s it. I’m not a bad person, I’m not punishing myself, I’m not delaying my enlightenment (which is an illusory creation I designed to fulfill my purpose of convincing myself I’m needing to be enlightened in the first place). I create the hierarchies, the jealousy, the fights about what is right or wrong.

I create the need to convince others of anything. And I create them to need to be convinced, when there is nothing to convince anyone about nor is there anyone to convince — just the illusion of such…

and I create the illusion to live in and love, because that’s what I am. Love, and the reality of the illusion is to be lived in…

and I can embrace it and play in it as I choose, in any way I want.

I can cling to an illusion or I can bust out of it.

Staying in an illusion is not bad. It is just living in the energy of that illusion. Not even for better or for worse, since better and worse don’t exist. Whoa.

I can even criticize myself for wanting to convince anyone of anything, and that, too, is judgment, and even that is perfect.

I can see that I wrestle against myself all the time.

But then, that is where I have hidden my power, and that is how well I’ve played the game, and that is the discomfort in which I dive, when I’m aware that I’m doing it and/or when I am led to do so, when I call it to my own attention — no judgment about it…

because I can live in perfect trust that I am guiding myself to the exact right moments of reclaiming, no matter what any other aspects of myself / creations tell me, or hint to me. Because I’m creating them to do that anyway.

I can live in the illusion like I always have, and wait, and let these reminders come to me, by me, from me, for me, without effort. Easy world. Even when I’m living in the midst of the illusion of struggle.

Strain and struggle is my creation…and I see it that way. People who piss me off ARE my creation — who have agreed to be a part of it, as I have in theirs, but it’s not my place to analyze how I fit into theirs, because we all are creating together in PERFECT JOY AND LOVE even if it appears that we are not agreeing on how that works or why, or even IF it’s happening!

There is nothing to criticize or change.

I have created well — because I still want to criticize the illusion that I have so adeptly created.

I want to put the “BUT” and the “I’m sorry” and the “Oh, well” in here…and the…”one day”…

and there is no need at all. And even if I do, it’s perfect.

This is the Power of Now.

There is nothing wrong with Eckhart Tolle, or Oprah, or James Ray and the sweat lodge “fiasco” — ooh, I feel lots of power hidden in those!

So I know what to do, and I can do it if I choose, or wax eloquent and opine about all these things.

Whatever I wish, and it’s not wrong. It’s all love.

So I created the mirror repulsion as just one more way to hide my power. Aren’t I amazing?

All About “Blah”

{ October 9, 2009 @ 4:05 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Yeah. As far as busting loose goes, there hasn’t

APPEARED

to be much activity.

As if there were some description that I could count on as evidence. As if, each time I thought about how I am the Power and Presence of God (I created this, I’ve hidden my power in my discomfort — I reclaim it and appreciate how amazing it is), it made no difference.

It’s kinda like when I was involved in the church and I could recite the Lord’s Prayer without really thinking about the words.

Like saying a blessing before a meal. My dad used to say one and I really didn’t think about the words, but about the phrases he said…as if they were one word:

“Thesethygoodgifts,” and “blessthemtoouruse,” “Leadusandguideus…” same thing, day in and day out.

I remember the time when my family was sitting down to eat, ready to “ask the blessing” for the food. The phone rang. My brother jumped up, picked up the receiver and said, “Godisgreat.” (Godisgood, andwethankhimforourfoodamen.)

I was lying in bed early this a.m. thinking about how I felt like I was on the proverbial treadmill when it came to busting loose. Guess I’d not experienced enough discomfort!

Yet even that perspective was something to process.

So I’m lying there, wanting to get some kind of relief and perspective in the midst of unrest (h-m-m — that sounds a bit like discomfort, doesn’t it?) and then one of my favorite quotes came to mind: “You can’t change, fix, or improve the hologram.”

Which likewise means that I can’t change, fix, or improve the pace at which things are going, or even the feelings that I’m getting nowhere.

And then, as I accepted and appreciated that, I felt like I was getting somewhere.

For a couple years, I put aside active use of “the process.” I let it go. It seemed to be contradictory to things I wanted to do (even though now I know it was not). I firmly believe that in many ways, I did it anyway.

And regardless of whether or not I used the process formally or informally, I was still creating it all.

There’s just no escaping it. That’s part of the illusion, thinking that I can actually “decide” to bust loose or not.

It was a relaxing feeling, to just “be” and know that this time period is perfect as it is. And if there is any illusion of action to take, or thoughts to think, it’s this: that I don’t need to worry about it, and just hang on for the ride.

I think about indoctrination – how we in the human game love to play the game of saying we’ve been deluded, and that we need to awaken, and shun the beliefs we once had for the “better” ones.

At times I see how indoctrinated I’ve been. But then what is absolutely the most flabbergastingly amazing, wonderful thing about it is that I did it all because I am so powerful!

As soon as I start making an illusory negative about it, I see that the negative is positive. I’ve often said to people who are critical about others, and then get critical with themselves for getting critical about others (in the Phase 1 game): “Don’t get down on yourself about it. You can’t take two negatives and make a positive.”

But in busting loose, you can.

Because there is nothing negative.

We just think there is.

So if you get positive about getting critical, then you can no longer be critical, and then, you will no longer be critical about others.

But even so, who cares?

I keep thinking about math and logic — it’s like this mathematical formula that takes numbers and adds them together and they all end up ZERO.

We live in a 100 percent (ha!) zero world, where all the percentages and factors and ratings and meanings and judgments and points and scales amount to zip.

Which is funny in itself — a 100 percent zero world.

That sounds like a good song or book title.

50/50

{ September 21, 2009 @ 3:30 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Today I’m writing about a subject that may well be one of the biggest ways I’ve hidden my power (as I would figure is true for all players in my movie): relationships.

One in particular.

A man I’ve had in my mind for quite some time. A ridiculously long time, looking at it from the way I’ve created time and relationships in my hologram.

There are myriad things about this relationship that would defy practical logic (and even emotional “logic,” if you will) — in which onlookers (who I create anyway, ironically) would say, “Get over it!”

In some respects, though marriage isn’t involved, I’m “the other woman.” I’ve convinced myself in the hologram that there’s interest in me on his part, and I’ve imagined that things in his other relationship aren’t going well and…

I’m embarrassed about it. (Remembering that embarrassment is a wonderful creation…ah, to keep reminding myself this.) I created the situation in which I am attracted to someone unavailable. I created my attraction and the feelings thereof. I created the opinion that it’s ridiculous or dysfunctional to have feelings for someone who cannot return those feelings (in respect to commitment and romantic love). And I created the embarrassment that comes from the “I should know better” syndrome; the “look at this, why can’t you get over this?” nagging voice in my head which is then reflected back to me by the actors in my movie (who I love so dearly, each and every one, with my whole heart). I create it all. Wow. What a creation. I still marvel.

And I’m creating knowing all of this, being the “enlightened” person I am (LOL), and still having significant feelings about him that I am unable to shake.

Time and time again, events have transpired that encourage me to think that he “has feelings” for me, and then serve to contradict them. Yo-yos, rubber bands, flying teacups, tilt-a-whirls — all words to describe the dance — yea, the sea storm (I’m the boat) that makes up this whole drama.

I’ve been more actively moving away — distancing myself physically from the situation, hoping it would help me achieve an emotional distance –

and the funny part is that no matter what I do, the feelings remain.

I was reflecting on this, and a dear, wise friend shared words about the nature of relationships — of giving and taking — of sharing energy — wonderful words of how I deserve to be treated with respect, and share respect, and believe in myself enough to hold out for respect, in a give-and-take relationship. Obviously, the one I seem preoccupied with is not that kind of relationship, from a Phase 1 point of view!

Ironically, in Phase 2, it actually is, now that I think about it. Actually, it’s not about balance. There is no such thing. I created the concept of balance — of 50/50 giving (knowing it can never be “perfect” anyway) — precisely as a way of convincing myself I’m not who I really am — power, perfection, joy and love. How? It sounds so good! I have all this love — shouldn’t I demand that I put myself in situations where it is returned to me, just as I have given it?

Yes!

But! In Phase 2, facing The Truth, love is being given 100/100, by this man whom I’ve created — another aspect of me — and by me. So let’s say he is another Being who has mutually agreed to be an actor in my movie. On an expanded level, he IS love, and he is lovingly agreeing to be this freakin’, frustrating a–hole of a man who plays me like a fiddle and doesn’t even know it; who gives five percent while I give 95 percent (or so it feels right now), and whose actions quite innocently (or so it appears) jerk me around. And he is doing it because of LOVE! He has lovingly agreed to participate in my “drama” (game) because I asked him to! He didn’t say no. While he may appear to participate in other games, that is none of my business or ability to understand nor does it matter one bit, because even his appearing to participate in other “dramas” is my creation. It is the only vantage point from which I can look.

And because it is my creation, it is all love, because it is all opportunity to expand.

So there becomes no 50/50 about it. It is all 100 percent me. Though I kind like the idea that he is a being apart from me who, on an Expanded Being level has agreed to join my dance. Just as have all the other players in my movie. I love that idea — us all playing together, having a whee of a time, on a human/illusion level oblivious to this, getting pissed off, screaming, crying, being jealous, ranting, raving, laughing, singing, partying, getting wasted, working, traveling, praying, living, loving, dying…

And having a huge party in infinite-land doing it all.

And that’s The Truth, pffft. (For those of you who remember Laugh-In and Edith Ann.)

So meanwhile, back to the hologram.

I wrote a friend some thoughts about this — about how I find it impossible to let go of whatever feelings I have for this creation of mine — and I include some of them here. There will be some repetition in thinking from what I’ve written above, and addition, and significant editing — but here it is — all useful for me as I consider life from a Phase 2 perspective:

For me, formulating a negotiated relationship, and counting who gives how much, etc., though it is a very nice thing and certainly something that would feel very good (I think), is a Phase 1 concept. Why? Because in Phase 1, you create things to convince yourself you’re not who you really are. And the act of formulating a negotiated relationship — and the creation of the concepts of equality and inequality — then create discomfort and frustration, which is definitely a part of the hiding of who you really are. When you start counting who gives and who takes, you are always going to come up short on one point or another.

The other thing is that in Phase 2, all creations, equal or not equal, are still illusions (as they are in Phase 1), and busting loose is about busting loose from all concepts about how things should be. Busting loose is about processing discomfort. So that if discomfort comes in a relationship, it comes not because something must be fixed, it comes because it’s time to process and expand. It is a gift. And from there, in time, things change in the hologram. I create those changes. No matter what, everything that brings on discomfort is simply an opportunity to expand. It’s not something to “change, fix or improve.” Though indeed, things will expand into what is True — that I am powerful, I create it, and it’s all love, joy, and power — it will simply no longer be hidden inside the illusion of discomfort.

I can’t “change, fix or improve” my feelings about him. I’ve tried. I even do the busting loose process in hopes that will change. It hasn’t yet. And that’s also simply perfect. That’s the thing. No matter what I do in the illusion, it is all exactly the way I am creating it. The experience I’m creating is that I can’t let go, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do. On one level, yes, I can let go in that I am not trying to make it happen. I am not trying to even hope that it will happen in the sense that I am convinced something will happen. I am not trying to make him do anything, because I’m doing nothing with him — but yet I am also creating the situation and it is for my expansion. I can try to get over him, and I have time and time again. That, too, hasn’t worked. And it is perfect as it is. If I feel that I should hope, or write a note, or avoid him, or just sit on my ass and do nothing but process and let my ES guide me, that’s what I do. To say things should be any different is judgment. And my ES won’t let this change; won’t let me change it; won’t let anything be anything but what it is. I try, try, try, rationalize, think, pray, dream, attract, imagine, get pissed off, hate, etc., etc., etc., and it doesn’t change a thing. He still sits there, in some fashion, in my thoughts and emotions.

And that’s what it boils down to. There are ideals about what a relationship “should” be, and I am creating them, and as I do, I see that what I am experiencing with this man is not that at all. It is far, far, far from it. It is totally irrationally unequal. He says nothing to me. I see him with his girlfriend for the first time after a couple years of knowing him (!!!) and he acts as if it were perfectly fine, and when he comes up to talk to me it’s as if he has no clue there would be anything wrong! (I create funny! It’s so funny!) I see him now and then, and we hug and kiss, and I feel the chemistry and then he leaves, and then I don’t see him again. I see it all, I feel the discomfort of it all, and…

I process it all. And I process it with no intention of changing anything. That’s the kicker. I can’t expect anything to change — though I know it will, but I know not how. I have no idea what I will create — that’s the element of surprise. The hardest part — that comes along from the Phase 1 dream — is that I want it to happen soon. And it won’t happen until it happens.

And the frustration of that is something to process as well. That’s how layered it gets and I’ve only just begun. And begun. And begun.

This is who I have created myself to be. I also created the ideas of equality and what “should” be in a relationship; the idea of shared energy, power — on a human game basis. Oh, it’s such a great idea — and oh, how I foil my plans all along the way when it comes to matters of the heart. There is not a thing I can change, no matter how much I want to.

And now and then, I can look at this and see the 100 percent love. It’s there all the time, even when I think there is zero percent love in all of this mess. It’s so worthwhile when I feel the love. Now and then, I can really appreciate the humor and irony in this creation. And yet, if I didn’t have the powerful emotions — the eggs that some days I would like to throw against the chicken house wall — I wouldn’t have the joy of expansion, would I?

O.K. So if we’re talking percentages, I feel maybe 70 percent uncomfortable and 30 percent joyful at this moment. And since discomfort is joy in disguise, well, you do the math: 70 plus 30 is…

Sports and Games

{ August 28, 2009 @ 3:05 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I think about people who play sports and games and get so wrapped up in them that their whole life is affected by how well or poorly they play. I think about the comment I’ve heard many times in various play settings: “It’s only a game!“

The thing is, believing and affirming that life is only a game, and saying, “Wow, yeah!” doesn’t then result in me going off and laughing raucously as I head off to the bank to look at my checking account balance!

Even though in reality, it’s something to joyously and raucously laugh about.

And that’s where the Busting Loose process comes in. It’s a conscious choice for me to use it. I don’t have to if I don’t want to. I often do the same stuff I always do, say the same stuff I always say, and look at my bank account and think or say, “Oh, shit.”

And so it is.

What I do is, when I feel the discomfort of that “oh shit” experience, I dive into the feeling of it (if I choose). My tendency is to stop the feeling and say something real quick like, “It’s not real,” and then pretend I feel better. That’s been my whole life. Feeling things, yes, but judging the feeling and saying, “I shouldn’t feel that way,” and, “Feeling that way is bad and I don’t want to,” and, “stop thinking about that,” etc. I’ve created a whole tower/structure of judgment — built a mighty fine mansion — in which I live and dwell. Every time I dive into a feeling and affirm what I believe is True, I knock off a little bit of plaster on the wall, crack a window, or unscrew the bolt that holds the toilet to the floor.

It’s like, every now and then, thinking, “Oh, wait! This is made up!”

It’s not like I feel like things are made up — some eerie, unreal feeling where I’m like a demented zombie walking around with an empty brain or something. Though maybe people look at me and think that.

I don’t look at my dear sweet son and say, “I made him up.” Though I do ponder, in the back of my mind, that this is an illusion. But then, I step back and see it as a movie, and it’s a very valid, beautiful, real movie that is highly artistic in every sense of the word. This is how I love seeing this creation. Even when it sucks.

I’ve had experiences in my life in which I saw a challenging situation this way, without knowing what was really going on. Sometimes, when things were the most frustrating, and I found a really cool way to deal with it, I had a real sense of enjoyment. Not that all challenges in my life that I’ve faced were or are that way.

But no matter what, each time I affirm The Truth about things, having dived into the feelings of them, there is a sense of the truth of it, a sense of relief, and a sense of release of the tension that built up all around that experience. Well, maybe not each time. In fact, there have been times when nothing seemed to happen. And expecting something to happen isn’t the point, though at first, that’s the strong desire. I always hope for that. But the more I simply accept things as they are, the quicker the relief seems to happen. Though even that is not a given.

There is an element of trust and faith to this — and practice.

And the amazing thing, as I look back, is that even when I wasn’t actively affirming these beliefs, I was still being guided and I was still creating all the things to bring me to this point. Because it was and is all part of the “illusion.”

Right now, I often get the feeling of my Expanded Self (ES) as gentle and loving. For a while, because of the game that I’ve played in Phase 1, I’d think of my ES as “out to get me.” I may still feel that way — probably will. There have been some moments of release (or reclamation of my power), with the help of a friend, or something I read or affirmed (often by writing like this), in which I realize that I am being guided — I’m not in control — to really crack open the limiting eggs that I’ve created…and it is truly a wonderful feeling.

One of these eggs is the “I’m doing it wrong” attitude that really permeates almost everything I do. The only thing I don’t do wrong is drink water. Ha. And even then, it might not be wrong except that I might not be drinking enough of it, and I should drink more purified water.

It’s as if everything in my life is soaked in judgment.

I can think of something wrong with pretty much everything I do. That’s how deep the game goes. But this doesn’t mean that I have to crack an egg for all the little details — an egg of water-drinking, an egg of typing, an egg of posting in forum and blogs, LOL!

The egg is of “doing it wrong,” and when I continue to crack it open and drain it, those other things just drift or fall away.

Here’s what’s funny: even when I’m “doing it wrong,” I’m doing it right. Because “doing it wrong” is a judgment. So I can’t even “do wrong,” wrong. Because it’s not real. But the feeling of “doing it wrong” is most persistent. Actually, it’s something to appreciate.

Moving from a mental “knowing” or wishing it were true, to experiencing it on every level. That’s the Phase 2 journey.

Inventing Appliances

{ August 24, 2009 @ 2:36 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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This is a blog — taken from a comment I made in a forum I’ve created about Arnold Patent’s book, Money, also drawing extensively from Busting Loose from the Money Game by Robert Scheinfeld. The previous person had talked about “appreciation.” He had specifically mentioned giving to others. Here was my response:

Wonderful thoughts — boy, they got me to thinking — because though I “know” about abundance and living in it, I still have the fear…especially as I live on the edge of broke all the time. (And that’s different from living on the edge of 17…ooh, baby, ooh, ooh….)

My emotions are that I’m pretty tired of it. I want to buy my son what he wants and of course, me, too.

What I understand about this is that any time I buy ANYTHING, for me, for my son, for my cat, for the turtle, for my son’s friends who seem to be around all the time (except for this week ’cause Benjamin’s grounded and so is one of his friends who is likewise grounding her son for the same violation as my son ;-) even though two other kids were a part of it and their dad didn’t really give a rip — oops, time to process…)…

Back to the original thought:

Any time I buy anything, I am expressing appreciation. Does that make sense?

Why? According to Patent and becoming according to me:

I created all this — money, the money game, banks, Franklins, Lincolns, Washingtons, Hamiltons, 401k’s (what are those, LOL?), Donald Trump, Napoleon Hill, Jesus, the value of the dollar, Ford, GM, Chrysler, the Nasdaq, Fortune 500, the gold standard, etc., etc., etc., not to mention me, Walmart, the Goodwill thrift store, food stamps and soup kitchens –

and all of these are part of the Great Game of Convincing Myself that I am not a perfect being who lives in forever, never-ending, immutable, unchangeable, abundance that is the NORM, with my poverty (perceived and illusory) as actually resistance TO all of that, but the creation is perfect…

and so, I express appreciation in the form of this thing that I have created, to myself, via the banks, Walmart, GM, and Taco Bell, because everything I express my appreciation to in the form of money is created by me, for me. And thus, I can’t really expend money to anything or anyone else and LOSE it, because it doesn’t exist, except as the illusion. And the illusion isn’t real.

It just cycles around and around…

and I have convinced myself that whatever conditions I live in, in which I fear that when unemployment runs out I’ll have only a certain inflow of money that won’t permit me to make payments on this house…

are all REAL.

And that even the idea that I can fail, and that foreclosure is bad, and bankruptcy is bad, is all made up, too.

(Don’t think that I feel like I’ve unconvinced myself of those…totally, emotionally, in the illusion — yet!)

And that whatever comes my way, that I create, is all part of me processing and reclaiming power from…

so that even if it appears that I am failing, there is no such thing as failure, and it’s all a part of the whole process of reclaiming power…

and eventually I bust loose from the illusion and really live in the “cosmic overdraft protection” abundance that I already am and have…

kind of a strange paradox, because it’s not so much about doing something to “make” abundance happen, as it is living in whatever I live in, trusting myself (expanded self) to guide me (by creation) into the experiences in which I affirm that.

Which means that my external reality may not magically change all at once. Or it may. It could be I could go out right now and express appreciation to myself by buying a Mustang (my son would like to have one even though he can’t drive, and his mom also thinks it would be fun), and trust that the money would be there…

and that just feels like stretchin’ it a bit too far.

Though I could throw all caution to the wind…

Nah.

I’m not ready to do that, though you never know.

My illusory practical thinking of bank account balances is still too real for me.

Though…on some level I know that the abundance is real and the rest is an illusion.

The thing is, you don’t bust loose because you want all the stuff. Which we sometimes have seen in LOA-think. “Can I use the LOA to get a 300 HP 3-phase inverter duty cast iron motor to keep in a huge metal pole building in my back yard?”

It’s busting loose from the illusory “reality” we have created in the form of money, banks, and limitation and fear, by diving into and feeling our discomfort around the subject, and finding freedom, and reclaiming what Already Is, and living in it. And sometimes when we do so, having a particular thing, like an Amana side-by-side, brushed-gold, automatic Jaeger-bomb-making refrigerator-freezer-microwave combo isn’t really so important to us.

On the other hand, we might create inventing such a thing, and change the world, one appliance at a time.

Just because it’s fun.

Scrambled Eggs

{ August 18, 2009 @ 2:35 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Several things I’m aware of today:

1. Analyzing things mentally/intellectually.

2. Judging everything.

3. Setting up “others” as judges of how I do this.

Realizing that I’m the only one doing this. This “egg,” of otherness, of others judging me, is a biggie.

When I was in fourth grade, I had a ruled tablet with a photo of Paul McCartney on the front. I set that thing on the top of my desk, so that Paul could “watch” me. Then I gauged my behavior on what I thought Paul would think.

I did this with a number of posters and photos of my favorite stars.

I wanted external approval, and needed an external “someone” to be the judge of how I was to behave and think.

Little did I know that even those external judges were ME.

What an amazing creation! How amazing! Truly, truly amazing! How clever, how powerful, how creative!

The intricacy of the game never ceases to amaze me. The very things I did to disguise my power, were further encased inside the later judgment of this tendency of mine to appear to look toward external personas to determine how I should think, act and feel. So not only did I have “others” to judge me — approve and disapprove and to tell me how to behave (even though I really didn’t know what they thought), but later in my life I began to despise (in my human experience) the fact that I did this. A whammy that doubled in on itself.

And even now, I could “judge” this experience, but how great it is to really, really appreciate it!

I think my biggest egg right now is judgment. Ask me again tomorrow and I’ll tell you something different. But why am I judging the words I just wrote? See? This IS a biggie, and I am the one who is doing it all!! There’s no one out there to judge me, and there is no one out there telling me I’m doing it right or I’m doing it wrong.

I have created others in order to reinforce (double in) the power of my creation of hiding my power…

Insidious — but then beautifully so.

No judgment on the word “insidious” because there is nothing wrong.

I’ve hidden my power in the judgment of words…

I judge the use of words, using “against” me the thought that if I don’t use certain words to describe this journey, I’m…

wrong?

If I can’t go wrong, then how can the words I use be wrong?

It’s not the words, really. It’s the judgment of whatever I do that is the egg…the amazing creation…

that I wish I could bust (judgment) right now…

but the beauty really is that I can’t, and the beauty is that it’s perfect right now, as it is, as my Expanded Self revels in joy at as this discovery unfolds…and I dive into the awareness of the illusion of judgment…

Yes, judgment is an illusion, too.

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